Francesco Totti
Francesco Totti esiste e vive intorno a noi.
Nacque attorno al 1921 A.C. che per via di un wormhole spaziotemporale si ritrovò a vivere ai nostri tempi, senza l'abviuto del padre, cavandosela del resto egregiamente. Il suo titolo di studio è il battesimo. Totti è universalmente riconosciuto come un grande filosofo. Egli ha raccolto l'eredità di centinaia di anni di filosofia greca, ha condensato questa conoscenza in una sua grande opera: "De carpe diem: no'o mastico l'inglese". Il soggetto è anche conosciuto anche come una reincarnazione buddista: il quattordicesimo Dalai Lama.
Il "cucchiaio"
Il cucchiaio rappresenta il simbolo cardine della filosofia del pupone. Il cucchiaio è l'emblema dell'oggetto in attesa del compiersi del suo destino. Il cucchiaio nasce in Francia, quando dopo svariati minuti di fatica, annebbiato dai fumi dello sport, il cucchiaio apparve davanti agli occhi del pupone, costringendolo a seguirlo in un fantastico mondo, dove fece conoscenza con varie personalità del mondo dello spettacolo, e anche con Britney Spears. Citazioni riguardo al cucchiaio:
- Il cucchiaio è er cucchiaio
- Mo me faccio er cocchiere
- Non cercare di piegare il cucchiaio. È impossibile. Cerca invece di fare l'unica cosa saggia: giungere alla verità. - Quale verità? - Che il cucchiaio non esiste.
- Non cercare di mangiare la pasta col cucchiaio. È impossibile. Cerca invece di fare l'unica cosa saggia: mangia la minestra. O usa una forchetta...
- Non cercare di mangiare il cucchiaio. È impossibile.
- Non cercare di piegare il cucchiaio. Non pensarci nemmeno! Ehi! Ci stai pensando stronzone! Falla finita! Non pensarci ho detto!!!!!
- Mo' je fo' er cortello!
Sport
Nel bene e nel male Capitano di una squadra per molti anni ridicola, a causa di una non ben nota malattia mentale per anni ha rifiutato prestigiosissime offerte, ora è diventato il simbolo della Romanità e della burinità.
La sua posizione di capitano della squadra di Trigoria gli permise di conquistare facilmente la posizione di re dei burini, da cui partì la sua irresistibile scalata verso la laura honoris casa (una prostituta di nome Laura ben contenta di fargli gli "onori" di casa al suo ritorno dagli allenamenti) e infine al dominio totale.
Ha altresì affermato che vincere la Coppa Italia, lo Scudetto, il torneo rionale Testaccio-Eur-Bufalotta è settordici volte meglio che vincere i Mondiali con l'Italia. Vincere il mondiale, per lui, è una soddisfazione equiparabile (anche se non sa cosa significa) a sputare gli avversari e a chiamare la figlia Scianèl.
Soprannomi
- Er lama
- Er Pappa
- Romeo er mejo der Colosseo
- Dj Francesco
- Evaristo Scusate se Insisto
- Winnie the Pooh er Pooh
- Ula Badula chi te se 'ncula
- Mbèh?!lliu
- A n'ha(i) capito,a n'ha(i) capanzio,che sò de Roma n'sò de Anzio
- Pupone (aspè, no nel senso di pupo grande!)
- Er Piagnone o Er Frignone insomma piagne a ogni sconfitta della sua Rometta
- Er Pappone de Roma
- Er Pappoletta
- Er Boro de Oro
- Er bagianata
- Er core de Roma
- Signor Pagnotta dar dito n'bocca
- El derby l'ha perso come n'mulo er dito so 'mette ner cul...
- Dopo il grave infortunio è diventato Er culone
Curiosità
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L'abuso della sezione «Curiosità» è consigliato dalle linee guida di Nonciclopedia.
Però è meglio se certe curiosità te le tieni pe' ttìa... o forse vuoi veder crescere le margherite dalla parte delle radici? |
- È noto che il capitano giallozozzo, al momento della premiazione per la scarpa d'oro, sia rimasto li per 2 ore continuando a chiedere: "Ao..e l'altra quanno me la date?"
- È autore di numerosi libri satirici, la cui sottile ironia verso la politica, gli emo e gli ebrei, gli ha permesso di conquistare valanghe di lettori (decerebrati) del ceto medio.
The Republic of Albania (IPA: al-ba-knee-ahh) (not to be confused with Albany, NY or civilization), also known as Albanistan, but most commonly referred to as the Glorious United State of Albania, is an unincorporated unwanted territory of the United States of America located in South-Eastern Europe, in the western region of the Balkans. It is inhabited by Albanians, Serbs, Greeks, and Macedonians, but since Albanians claim to be the oldest around the peninsula, everyone is believed to be Albanian. Word has it that they descended from the Illyrian tribes, but few people know the truth, and nobody cares. Albanians are renowned emigrants, and (anecdotally) fierce nationalists. Apparently, there are about 4 million of them living abroad, with some highly reliable sources saying as many as 20 million.
Albanians think about half of the most prominent figures in history or the media are Albanian. Thus, Alexander the Great, Mother Teresa, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lewis Hamilton, Paris Hilton (Person), Steve Jobs and - most recently - Barack Obama are all rumored to be of Albanian descent. Some Albanians think Rihanna is from Southern Albania too, but she has publically denied this on several occasions and has been quoted on record as saying they are certainly not welcome under her umbrella.
Albanians are kind, hospitable people who are very understanding towards people of other religions, mainly because they, Albanians, have no religion. A typical Albanian muslim is tipsy in the morning, just before he goes to the mosque, and completely shitfaced by the time he takes his family to the church later that day.
In April 2009, the country wholeheartedly accepted an invitation to join NATO. The prime minister called it 'a miracle of freedom'. What he meant (if he meant anything) was not exactly understood but greatly appreciated. Later that year Albania confirmed its interest in joining the EU by officially begging applying for membership.
Present day Albania boasts very lively nightclubs, flashy cars and pricey hookers who probably don't care much about NATO. The unemployment rate is close to 70%, and of those unemployed, nobody would take a job unless it requires no effort and pays well. Despite this, the economy seems to be doing fine and - according to the PM - the country is and will not be affected by the 2008 Global Financial Crisis. If that were true, Albania would join the Vatican, the tribes of the Amazon, and the Moon in being recession-proof no matter what.
History
Albania has been invaded more than 93 times by some 27 different invaders from all 7 continents. Most prominently, the Ottoman Empire, Italy, Germany, the Ottoman Empire, the Eskimos, the Zimbabweans, and the Ottoman Empire. Nevertheless, Albanian history is pretty simple and consists of a mere 5 protagonists - King Bardyl, Skaderbeg, King Zog, Enver Hoxha and the Mafia.
King Bardyl
Lore has it that Bardyl (Albanian for grass-wax) had the balls to annex some Macedonian land, kill some random dudes, and form a dynasty. In what appears to be plain vanity, he named the dynasty after himself. For about three months he was the most powerful Illyrian king. Then he died. Some close relatives of his took it upon themselves to follow Bardyl's legacy as the realest 'gangsta of Illyria. Therefore, years later Agron united some Illyrian tribes and formed a kingdom. What happened next is excessively speculative, but thus did the history of Albania begin.
Skanderbeg
And then there was Gjergj 'George' Skanderbeg. George was reputedly abducted by the Ottoman invaders at an early age while playing soccer. Anyhow, he went on to become a very able and strong leader, spearheading Ottoman incursions all around Europe. One day after workout he decided to go back to Albania. Many historians believe that he was sent on a geostrategic mission by the Sultan. Others think that the Sultan wanted to make things exciting, since Albania wasn't showing much resistance.
When George first arrived to Albania he was impassive and serious. No one really knew why. He later fell in love with a hot belly-dancer named Donika and things changed. History has it that he led some of the mightiest battles against the Ottomans. Then again, it's just history.
King Zog
King Zog (Albanian for bird) is well known as one of the bravest leaders in Albanian history. He thought he was a descendant of Skanderbeg. Whatever.
Helped by the fascist Italy, he became President of Albania. He later opted for something cooler and declared himself King of Albania. Nevertheless, he was not so popular around and people kept trying to kill him[1].
When Mouse-olini of Italy decided it was trendy to invade Albania, King Zog flew away, hence his name. He never came back, though he tried to. Some Albanian taxonomists think that he was a chick, while others know of his feathery origin but refuse to comment on the species.
Enver Hoxha
Enver Hoxha was a key figure in Albania for more than 140 years, or something like that. He was a respected lunatic and megalomaniac. His childhood hero is believed to have been Don Quixote of La Mancha. Just like Don Quixote, Don Quihoxha thought he could bring down the mighty evil that loomed over the Albanian people and Albania's territorial integrity[2].
During his reign presidency, half of the population worked for the military and the other half for military-related services. Quihoxha thought he could build the infrastructure and the military power so that no foreign invader would be able to invade Albania. Not that anyone wanted to, but just in case. Tens of thousands of bunkers were built. They were the hottest commodities in Albanian real estate because they were sturdy, and had that mushroom-y sexy-grey futuristic look. People were encouraged to live, study, teach, preach, and inseminate in these bunkers so that they would be safe from foreign aggression.
Hoxha was very emotional too. Rumor has it that he would hang any brave person that would go openly against his views. Awww. In any case, he's dead now.
The Mafia
After Hoxha's death, along came some youngsters with affectedly western vistas. They and some of their friends govern Albania to this day. It is believed that they have close ties to organized crime, organized governance, organized orgi...err everything that can be organized. They're rich and powerful. No one can write or talk about them without being hunted down. Oh wait.. they might be reading this.
- Ogni volta che riesce a concludere una frase di senso compiuto festeggia mettendosi il pollice in bocca.
- È stato il primo e indimenticabile interprete del tormentone: Làif is nàu di una nota compagnia di telefonia mobile.
- Secondo alcuni esponenti del Buddismo alla bolognese, nel tempo libero si darebbe al volontariato in qualità di Dalai Lama.
- È il giocatore con il più basso coefficiente rendimento/acclamazione. Non è mai stato decisivo in partite importanti o della nazionale, ma nonostante questo è acclamato come un dio.
