Romania: differenze tra le versioni
Big Jack (rosica | curriculum) m (Annullate le modifiche di 93.122.135.18 (discussione), riportata alla versione precedente di 93.36.98.93) |
Dessy92 (rosica | curriculum) Nessun oggetto della modifica |
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| Riga 34: | Riga 34: | ||
Da non scordare i Romaniaci, parte della popolazione dedita per lo più a stupri e violenze ("gangbang" abusive), al fine di rendere ancora viva la suggestiva tradizione, iniziata nel lontano 1564 con Vlad III detto il Voivoda, tuttora ricercato dall'Interpol. Il governo di Bucarest incentiva le manifestazioni popolari all'estero specialmente in Italia, allo scopo di incrementare il flusso turistico in Romania, rendendo possibile la migrazione, finanziando i viaggi in Italia. Queste manifestazioni popolari hanno avuto molto successo anche tra la moltitudine di scorfane italiane che ancora non sono riuscite a farsi violentare in Italia. |
Da non scordare i Romaniaci, parte della popolazione dedita per lo più a stupri e violenze ("gangbang" abusive), al fine di rendere ancora viva la suggestiva tradizione, iniziata nel lontano 1564 con Vlad III detto il Voivoda, tuttora ricercato dall'Interpol. Il governo di Bucarest incentiva le manifestazioni popolari all'estero specialmente in Italia, allo scopo di incrementare il flusso turistico in Romania, rendendo possibile la migrazione, finanziando i viaggi in Italia. Queste manifestazioni popolari hanno avuto molto successo anche tra la moltitudine di scorfane italiane che ancora non sono riuscite a farsi violentare in Italia. |
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{{Q|I gave them water, but they didn't like it. I gave them oil, but they laughed at me. I gave them beaches, mountains and lakes, but they looked down on me. Then I sent George W. Bush, and they're all happy now.|God|Albanians}} |
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{{Q|I've never felt this way before.|George W. Bush|being loved.}} |
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image=Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg| |
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heading=Attempt to explain joke| |
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message=This article pokes fun at Albanians and Albania. Being the Balkan hotheads that they are, they might want to crush <b>Uncyclopedia</b>. The EU doesn't like that. Neither does George W. Bush. If you are an Albanian hothead, please be an Albanian coolhead and take this article with a <b>grain of salt</b>, or a slice of pizza. The main contributor to this article is an Albanian. Please don't kill him.}} |
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{{Infobox Country| |
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|native_name = Tribes of the Double-Headed Eagles <s>and People</s> |
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|conventional_long_name = Osmanlı İmparatorluğu Arnavutluğu |
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|common_name = The Glorious Nation of Albanistan |
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|national_motto = "In EU we trust." | |
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|national_anthem = ''NATO! Fuck yeah!'' | |
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|image_flag = [[Image:Albflag_final.jpg|300px]] |
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|image_coat = [[Image:Coat_albania.jpg|125px]] |
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|image_map = [[Image:Albloc.png|250px]]| |
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|capital = Tea'-rana (de jure), Washington, DC (de facto) | |
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|largest_city = [[Italy|Milano]] | |
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|official_languages = Albanian, 117 different Albanian dialects | |
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|government_type = <s>pseudo</s> Democratic Parliamentary Kingdom | |
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|leader_title2 = <b>King</b>| |
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|leader_name2 = Berisha | |
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|leader_title1 = [[President]]| |
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|leader_name1 = Bamir Topi (Albanian for "Do-Good Ball")| |
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|national_heros = Skanderbeg, [[Mother Teresa]], [[Barack Obama|Barack H. Obama]], Nicole Scherzinger, Warren Buffet, [[Rihanna]] (?) | |
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|Independence = Arguably 1912 | |
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|currency = Prostitutes, crack, BMW X5s | |
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|religion = 73% Muslim, 50% Christian, <1% Jew, 100% Atheist | |
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|favourite_pastime = Gossiping, tour de raki | |
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|major_exports = Kidneys, drugs, prostitutes, raki, stolen cars | |
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|major_imports = Everything but water and air || |
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}} |
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The <b>Republic of Albania</b> (IPA: al-ba-knee-ahh) (not to be confused with <b>Albany, NY</b> or <b>[[civilization]]</b>), also known as <b>Albanistan</b>, but most commonly referred to as the <b>Glorious United State of Albania</b>, is an <s>unincorporated</s> unwanted territory of the [[United States of America]] located in South-Eastern [[Europe]], in the western region of the Balkans. It is inhabited by Albanians, [[Serbia|Serbs]], [[Greece|Greeks]], and Macedonians, but since Albanians claim to be the oldest around the peninsula, everyone is believed to be Albanian. Word has it that they descended from the [[old|Illyrian tribes]], but few people know the truth, and [[nobody cares]]. Albanians are renowned emigrants, and (anecdotally) fierce [[patriotism|nationalists]]. Apparently, there are about 4 million of them living abroad, with some [[stoner|highly reliable sources]] saying as many as 20 million. |
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Albanians think about half of the most prominent figures in history or the media are Albanian. Thus, [[Alexander the Great]], [[Mother Teresa]], [[Arnold Schwarzenegger]], [[Lewis Hamilton]], [[Paris Hilton (Person)]], [[Steve Jobs]] and - most recently - [[Barack Obama]] are all rumored to be of Albanian descent. Some Albanians think [[Rihanna]] is from Southern Albania too, but she has publically denied this on several occasions and has been quoted on record as saying they are certainly not welcome under her [[umbrella]]. |
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Albanians are kind, hospitable people who are very understanding towards people of other religions, mainly because they, Albanians, have [[Atheism (religion)|no religion]]. A typical Albanian [[muslim]] is tipsy in the morning, just before he goes to the mosque, and completely shitfaced by the time he takes his family to the church later that day. |
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In April 2009, the country wholeheartedly accepted an invitation to join [[NATO]]. The prime minister called it 'a miracle of freedom'. What he meant (if he meant anything) was not exactly understood but greatly appreciated. Later that year Albania confirmed its interest in joining the [[EU]] by officially <s>begging</s> applying for membership. |
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Present day Albania boasts very lively [[Clubbing|nightclubs]], flashy [[car|cars]] and pricey [[prostitution|hookers]] who probably don't care much about NATO. The unemployment rate is close to 70%, and of those unemployed, nobody would take a job unless it requires no effort and pays well. Despite this, the economy seems to be doing fine and - according to the PM - the country is and will not be affected by the [[Recession|2008 Global Financial Crisis]]. If that were true, Albania would join [[Vatican|the Vatican]], the tribes of the Amazon, and the [[Moon]] in being recession-proof no matter what. |
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= History = |
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Albania has been invaded more than 93 times by some 27 different invaders from all 7 continents. Most prominently, the [[Ottoman Empire]], [[Italy]], [[Germany]], the Ottoman Empire, the [[Eskimos]], the [[Zimbabwe|Zimbabweans]], and the Ottoman Empire. Nevertheless, Albanian history is pretty simple and consists of a mere 5 protagonists - King Bardyl, Skaderbeg, King Zog, Enver Hoxha and the [[Mafia]]. |
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==King Bardyl== |
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Lore has it that Bardyl (Albanian for [[cannabutter|grass-wax]]) had the balls to annex some Macedonian land, kill some random dudes, and form a dynasty. In what appears to be plain [[vanity]], he named the dynasty after himself. For about three months he was the most powerful Illyrian king. Then he died. Some [[incest|close relatives of his]] took it upon themselves to follow Bardyl's legacy as the [[50 cent|realest]] '[[Ali G|gangsta]] of Illyria. Therefore, years later Agron united some Illyrian tribes and formed a kingdom. What happened next is excessively speculative, but thus did the history of Albania begin. |
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==Skanderbeg== |
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And then there was Gjergj 'George' Skanderbeg. George was reputedly abducted by the Ottoman invaders at an early age while playing [[soccer]]. Anyhow, he went on to become a very able and strong leader, spearheading Ottoman incursions all around Europe. One day after workout he decided to go back to Albania. Many [[history buff|historians]] believe that he was sent on a geostrategic mission by the Sultan. Others think that the Sultan wanted to make things exciting, since Albania [[French Army|wasn't showing much resistance]]. |
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When George first arrived to Albania he was impassive and serious. No one really knew why. He later fell in love with a hot [[Belly dancing|belly-dancer]] named Donika and things changed. [[History]] has it that he led some of the mightiest battles against the Ottomans. Then again, it's just history. |
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[[Image:Skenderbeg.jpg|thumb|350px|right|Skanderbeg when he first arrived to Albania. Notice the pout.]] |
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==King Zog== |
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King Zog (Albanian for [[bird]]) is well known as one of the bravest leaders in Albanian history. He thought he was a descendant of Skanderbeg. [[Lies|Whatever]]. |
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Helped by the fascist Italy, he became [[President]] of Albania. He later opted for something cooler and declared himself [[King]] of Albania. Nevertheless, he was not so popular around and people kept trying to kill him<ref>[[Bird Hunting in Albania]])</ref>. |
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When [[Benito Mussolini|Mouse-olini]] of Italy decided it was trendy to invade Albania, King Zog flew away, hence his name. He never came back, though he tried to. Some Albanian taxonomists think that he was a chick, while others know of his feathery origin but refuse to comment on the species. |
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==Enver Hoxha== |
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[[Enver Hoxha]] was a key figure in Albania for more than 140 years, or something like that. He was a respected [[bat fuck insane|lunatic]] and [[Bono|megalomaniac]]. His childhood hero is believed to have been Don Quixote of La Mancha. Just like Don Quixote, Don Quihoxha thought he could bring down the mighty evil that loomed over the Albanian people and Albania's territorial integrity<ref>For other similar characters see [[Stalin]], [[Lenin]], [[Hitler]], or any American president</ref>. |
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During his <s>reign</s> presidency, half of the population worked for the [[military]] and the other half for military-related services. Quihoxha thought he could build the infrastructure and the military power so that no foreign invader would be able to invade Albania. Not that anyone wanted to, but just in case. Tens of thousands of bunkers were built. They were the hottest commodities in Albanian real estate because they were sturdy, and had that mushroom-y sexy-grey futuristic look. People were encouraged to [[life|live]], [[school|study]], [[teacher|teach]], [[priest|preach]], and [[sex|inseminate]] in these bunkers so that they would be safe from foreign aggression. |
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Hoxha was very emotional too. Rumor has it that he would hang any [[stupid|brave]] person that would go openly against his views. Awww. In any case, [[you are dead|he's dead now]]. |
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==The Mafia== |
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After Hoxha's death, along came some youngsters with affectedly western vistas. They and some of their friends govern Albania to this day. It is believed that they have close ties to organized crime, organized governance, organized orgi...err everything that can be organized. They're rich and powerful. No one can write or talk about them without being hunted down. Oh wait.. they might be reading this. |
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== Industrie principali == |
== Industrie principali == |
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[[Immagine:DACIA1100.gif|right|thumb|130px|La Dacia 1100 la risposta rumena alla Fiat [[Duna]]]] |
[[Immagine:DACIA1100.gif|right|thumb|130px|La Dacia 1100 la risposta rumena alla Fiat [[Duna]]]] |
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Versione delle 14:31, 1 set 2009
La Romania è una nazione famosa nell'est europeo. Paese fornitore, esportatore ufficiale di massicce quantità di figa a pagamento per l'Italia. Rinomata anche la produzione di vampiri, esseri fantastici (ma non troppo). Anch'essi, come le donne di questo grande paese, sono dediti alla "suzione".
Confina a nord con l'Ungheria (detta anche Cicciolinandia), a sud con la Bulgaria, a ovest con la Serbia, insomma con altri paesi di zoccole, anche se in forma minore. La Romania è anche bagnata dal Mar Nero a est. Anche le rumene risultano essere molto bagnate e spesso non immuni da malattie veneree.
Il nome Romania deriva sicuramente da Romano, figlio della famosa prostituta rumena, Anal Ysa Prodya. Costui, dopo avverse sorti con i locali che lo tradussero oltre frontiera, approdò in Italia dove assunse il nome definitivo di Prodi. La tradizione vuole che egli ancora praticasse personalmente il rito di prelevare il sangue agli italiani, finché non venne scacciato da San Silvio da Arcore, sempre sia lodato.
Lo Stato rumeno è stato uno stato comunista fino al 1989, quando con l'avvento della televisone satellitare l'allora presidente Ciau Cescu, amico di Prodi (forse fratellastro) e grande condottiero, non seppe dare valide risposte al popolo sul perché in Romania non esistessero ancora la Nutella e i McDonalds, e quindi fu barbaramente soppresso dal popolo inferocito, in accordo con la Ferrero, che lo lapidò con tiri di baci Perugina arricchiti all'uranio impoverito, a sottolineare il paradigma eterno tra il ricco e il povero.
La Ferrero fu anche sponsor della manifestazione ripresa dalla tv rumena TeleSorcu.
La capitale è Bucarest; celebre la citazione andare a Bucarest, nel senso di ottenere ciò che s'è cercato finora, e a poco prezzo.
 NonNotizie contiene diffamazioni e disinformazioni riguardanti Romania.
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Popolazione
I rumeni discendono dai romani, sardi e siciliani, che,in tempi remoti, si stanziarono nella regione non si sa ancora a quale presciso scopo. Ancora si nota qualche inflessione del gergo romano, o siciliano nella lingua rumena (es. "Dacia tua!", "Vinizi Vinizi", "Chi facisti?" etc).
Vi sono anche i Rom, geniale popolo con la passione irrefrenabile per il turismo di massa, discendenti da un importante albero geneacologico strettamente imparentato con le "cavallette" rosse del Madagascar.
Da non scordare i Romaniaci, parte della popolazione dedita per lo più a stupri e violenze ("gangbang" abusive), al fine di rendere ancora viva la suggestiva tradizione, iniziata nel lontano 1564 con Vlad III detto il Voivoda, tuttora ricercato dall'Interpol. Il governo di Bucarest incentiva le manifestazioni popolari all'estero specialmente in Italia, allo scopo di incrementare il flusso turistico in Romania, rendendo possibile la migrazione, finanziando i viaggi in Italia. Queste manifestazioni popolari hanno avuto molto successo anche tra la moltitudine di scorfane italiane che ancora non sono riuscite a farsi violentare in Italia.
The Republic of Albania (IPA: al-ba-knee-ahh) (not to be confused with Albany, NY or civilization), also known as Albanistan, but most commonly referred to as the Glorious United State of Albania, is an unincorporated unwanted territory of the United States of America located in South-Eastern Europe, in the western region of the Balkans. It is inhabited by Albanians, Serbs, Greeks, and Macedonians, but since Albanians claim to be the oldest around the peninsula, everyone is believed to be Albanian. Word has it that they descended from the Illyrian tribes, but few people know the truth, and nobody cares. Albanians are renowned emigrants, and (anecdotally) fierce nationalists. Apparently, there are about 4 million of them living abroad, with some highly reliable sources saying as many as 20 million.
Albanians think about half of the most prominent figures in history or the media are Albanian. Thus, Alexander the Great, Mother Teresa, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lewis Hamilton, Paris Hilton (Person), Steve Jobs and - most recently - Barack Obama are all rumored to be of Albanian descent. Some Albanians think Rihanna is from Southern Albania too, but she has publically denied this on several occasions and has been quoted on record as saying they are certainly not welcome under her umbrella.
Albanians are kind, hospitable people who are very understanding towards people of other religions, mainly because they, Albanians, have no religion. A typical Albanian muslim is tipsy in the morning, just before he goes to the mosque, and completely shitfaced by the time he takes his family to the church later that day.
In April 2009, the country wholeheartedly accepted an invitation to join NATO. The prime minister called it 'a miracle of freedom'. What he meant (if he meant anything) was not exactly understood but greatly appreciated. Later that year Albania confirmed its interest in joining the EU by officially begging applying for membership.
Present day Albania boasts very lively nightclubs, flashy cars and pricey hookers who probably don't care much about NATO. The unemployment rate is close to 70%, and of those unemployed, nobody would take a job unless it requires no effort and pays well. Despite this, the economy seems to be doing fine and - according to the PM - the country is and will not be affected by the 2008 Global Financial Crisis. If that were true, Albania would join the Vatican, the tribes of the Amazon, and the Moon in being recession-proof no matter what.
History
Albania has been invaded more than 93 times by some 27 different invaders from all 7 continents. Most prominently, the Ottoman Empire, Italy, Germany, the Ottoman Empire, the Eskimos, the Zimbabweans, and the Ottoman Empire. Nevertheless, Albanian history is pretty simple and consists of a mere 5 protagonists - King Bardyl, Skaderbeg, King Zog, Enver Hoxha and the Mafia.
King Bardyl
Lore has it that Bardyl (Albanian for grass-wax) had the balls to annex some Macedonian land, kill some random dudes, and form a dynasty. In what appears to be plain vanity, he named the dynasty after himself. For about three months he was the most powerful Illyrian king. Then he died. Some close relatives of his took it upon themselves to follow Bardyl's legacy as the realest 'gangsta of Illyria. Therefore, years later Agron united some Illyrian tribes and formed a kingdom. What happened next is excessively speculative, but thus did the history of Albania begin.
Skanderbeg
And then there was Gjergj 'George' Skanderbeg. George was reputedly abducted by the Ottoman invaders at an early age while playing soccer. Anyhow, he went on to become a very able and strong leader, spearheading Ottoman incursions all around Europe. One day after workout he decided to go back to Albania. Many historians believe that he was sent on a geostrategic mission by the Sultan. Others think that the Sultan wanted to make things exciting, since Albania wasn't showing much resistance.
When George first arrived to Albania he was impassive and serious. No one really knew why. He later fell in love with a hot belly-dancer named Donika and things changed. History has it that he led some of the mightiest battles against the Ottomans. Then again, it's just history.
King Zog
King Zog (Albanian for bird) is well known as one of the bravest leaders in Albanian history. He thought he was a descendant of Skanderbeg. Whatever.
Helped by the fascist Italy, he became President of Albania. He later opted for something cooler and declared himself King of Albania. Nevertheless, he was not so popular around and people kept trying to kill him[1].
When Mouse-olini of Italy decided it was trendy to invade Albania, King Zog flew away, hence his name. He never came back, though he tried to. Some Albanian taxonomists think that he was a chick, while others know of his feathery origin but refuse to comment on the species.
Enver Hoxha
Enver Hoxha was a key figure in Albania for more than 140 years, or something like that. He was a respected lunatic and megalomaniac. His childhood hero is believed to have been Don Quixote of La Mancha. Just like Don Quixote, Don Quihoxha thought he could bring down the mighty evil that loomed over the Albanian people and Albania's territorial integrity[2].
During his reign presidency, half of the population worked for the military and the other half for military-related services. Quihoxha thought he could build the infrastructure and the military power so that no foreign invader would be able to invade Albania. Not that anyone wanted to, but just in case. Tens of thousands of bunkers were built. They were the hottest commodities in Albanian real estate because they were sturdy, and had that mushroom-y sexy-grey futuristic look. People were encouraged to live, study, teach, preach, and inseminate in these bunkers so that they would be safe from foreign aggression.
Hoxha was very emotional too. Rumor has it that he would hang any brave person that would go openly against his views. Awww. In any case, he's dead now.
The Mafia
After Hoxha's death, along came some youngsters with affectedly western vistas. They and some of their friends govern Albania to this day. It is believed that they have close ties to organized crime, organized governance, organized orgi...err everything that can be organized. They're rich and powerful. No one can write or talk about them without being hunted down. Oh wait.. they might be reading this.
Industrie principali
- Oltre all'industria della fica, la Romania è famosa anche per la Dacia, fondata nel 269 a.C.: una automobile storica, infatti gli Antenati, in particolare la famiglia Flintstones, ne possedevano una. Flavio Briatore ne acquisì i diritti e in occasione di un festino a luci rosse con Lapo Elkann, scommisero 1 milione di euro su chi avrebbe prodotto l'auto più depressa del secolo. Briatore presentò la Dacia Logan, verde Loden, Lapo la 500: Briatore vinse per il rotto della cuffia.
Economia
L'impennata di prostituzione del paese sembra abbia sanato il debito pubblico e fatto entrare la Romania di forza in Europa, col risultato che anche a Cusano Milanino si sente parlare più rumeno che pugliese. Ed il "Lei" si impenna.
Musica
Famosa la cantante Cristiana Raduta (in Italia conosciuta come Cristiana Depilata) con il brano Voi a fi a ta? (versione italiana A voi a Fiat? cantata da Benito Urgu), tratto da una triste vicenda di Cristiana: lo sfortunato baratto della Dacia di suo padre con una Fiat Duna, propostogli da un ambulante brindisino. Il padre, accortosene ormai ad affare concluso, l'ha inseguita per le vie di Bucarest fino a tarda notte, nel vano tentativo di accoltellarla.
La Fiat ha cercato di coprire la faccenda diplomaticamente, dando ampio spazio nella musica a Laura Pausini in Italia.
Di recente s'è affacciato alla scena musicale italiana, in quanto in Romania non esiste tuttora critica musicale, ma solo mezzi limoni e uova fracide, il celebre rapper Spitty Cash. In apparenza il rapper sarebbe venuto in Italia a seguito dei vacanzieri rumeni in Italia; in realtà egli è una spia di Bucarest, infatti tramite il suo rap si studia il punto di collasso dello scroto del testicolo italiano.
Cibo rumeno
- Cipolla
- Gatti morti
- Involtini (gli sceinziati di Svervegia stanno analizzato il contenuto organico misto)
- Aglio
- Carne di maiale cruda
- Carne di maiale cotta
- Carne di maiale bollita
- Carne di maiale
- Carne di capra (preferibilmente cruda, ma prima sodomizzata)
- Gatti
- Topi (vengono considerati un piatto forte oltre che una delicatezza)
- Cipolla (mangiata intera, come la mela, per frutta)
- Grasso e Lardo vario (il più mangiato è il lardo di balena, imparato dai russi come si prepara)
- Cipolla
- Paglia
- Erba (non quella che pensi tu!)
- Forma di materia organica composta (comunemente detta merda)
- Aglio
- Zuppa di capra
- Zuppa alla Dracula
- Cipolla
- Ho già detto cipolla?
Moneta
La moneta rumena è il Lei. "Lei" può essere:
- la figlia
- la moglie
- la sorella
- la madre
- la zia
- la nonna (materna)
- la nonna (paterna)
- talvolta il nonno (esclusivamente materno).
Con l'odierna valùta, è pari a circa 0,10 Cent al chilo. Per questo i ciccioni in Romania sono tenuti in gran considerazione, che sfiora l'idolatria di massa.
Film famosi
- Fracchia contro Dracula
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