Zombie: differenze tra le versioni
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m (Rollback - Annullate le modifiche di 93.43.163.171 (discussione), riportata alla versione precedente di Big Jack) |
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[[File:Fassino.jpg|250px|right|thumb|Uno zombie posteggia in un supermercato.]] |
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{{wikipedia}} |
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{{Cit|Prude.|Famoso zombie di Resident Evil su se stesso}} |
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{{Cit|Buonissimo.|Famoso zombie di Resident Evil su Scott}} |
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{{Cit|Vuoi una salsiccia e le due polpette al sugo?|Zombie all'altro zombie su una vittima maschile}} |
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{{Cit|No grazie, sto mangiando la patata.|Altro zombie al zombie su una vittima femminile}} |
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{{Cit|Comunque, se ti interessa posso passarti uno dei meloni.|Lo zombie di prima su vittima femminile molto prosperosa}} |
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{{Cit|Mi fanno schifo i finocchi.|Zombie nel negozio di ortofrutta su finocchi}} |
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{{Cit|Eppur si muove.|[[Galileo Galilei|Un morto]]}} |
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[[Titolo del collegamento]] |
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Gli '''zombie''' sono simpatici [[morte|morti]] viventi che se ne vanno in giro (ad esempio nei [[centri commerciali]]) a cazzeggiare con una smodata voglia di [[sesso]]. |
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==Scoperta== |
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Scoperti per la prima volta da [[George Romero]] durante un [[pic nic]] in campagna e da [[Piero Angela]] durante la prova del suo parrucchino all'[[Auchan]] di [[Cerignola]], ci si è resi subito conto che questi simpatici bastardi degli zombie hanno la caratteristica lampante di essere superdotati e di voler infilare la loro gigante proboscide marmorea dentro il [[culo]] di cani e porci. Ciò è dovuto alla loro permanenza nella [[tomba]], infatti non importa [[Lavavetri|la tua posizione sociale]], ma quando morirai, oltre che diventare superdotato, diventerai un [[morto di figa]] assurdo (leggere con un numero di s superiore a otto) e, essendo completamente intrappolati, non potrai far nulla. |
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Dunque, al contrario di quanto possano sembrare malvagi, sono solo dei [[maniaco sessuale|simpatici burloni]], sebbene quelli che sono stati [[sesso anale|sodomizzati]] da loro non la potrebbero pensare così. |
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==Esperienze== |
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[[File:Stubbs_Fuma.JPG|right|thumb|250px|Che credevate? Anche loro fumano. Per loro il cancro non è più un problema.]]Se vedete uno zombie, correte! Ve lo dico per esperienza. Infatti non è piacevole sentire un coso duro di 75 centimetri penetrarvi all'improvviso in ogni orifizio possibile. Non tanto per le dimensioni, che come saprete contano relativamente, ma perché dopo il sopravvento del [[rigor mortis]] hanno il [[pene]] letteralmente ghiacciato. |
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Anche al cinema vediamo spesso questi esseri dirigersi barcollando col tipico "passo dell'ubriaco colpito da ictus" verso malcapitate vittime per nutrirsi del loro cervello. Questo mito è da sfatare in quanto spesso le suddette vittime sono di sesso femminile, e quindi (per antonomasia) sprovviste di un cervello capace di sostenere il fabbisogno del mostro. Per questo motivo la pratica dello stupro ha sostituito quella della cefalofagia. |
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Si sa che esistono due tipi di zombie: quelli lenti e rincoglioniti stile Romero e quelli veloci e indiavolati che pur di ucciderti si spappolano le unghie, tipo [[Alba dei morti viventi]]. Ora quelli lenti o [[truzzo|truzzi]] non hanno altro scopo che esistere. Così. Non c'è molto da dire. Quelli assatanati sono più difficili da uccidere, e anche più interessanti; pensa che diventare zombie-veloce in fondo è da sballo, cioè se indossi un casco integrale magari personalizzato sei praticamante immortale, poi ti nutri di carne umana, non senti dolore e puoi ucciderti di droghe fino all'inverosimile, quindi rimboccati le mani e fatti mordere!! No!? Se proprio sei uno di quelli all'antica vecchia maniera classici ammuffiti pezzi di merda in estinzione, allora un buon colpo alla testa e gli fai saltare il cervello. Ma tanto bastardo che non sei altro dove pensi di andare? Hai i giorni contati! Wahahahaahahah! |
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==Zombie famosi== |
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{{nonnewslink|Zombie di John Holmes stupra gruppo di satanisti}} |
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*[[Giulio Andreotti]] |
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*[[Gesù]] |
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*[[Bush]] |
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*[[Piero Fassino]] |
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*[[Sofia Loren]] |
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*[[Mazinga]] |
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*[[Sinisa Mihajlovic]] |
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*[[Silvio Berlusconi]] (La notte si ritira nel suo mausoleo) |
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*[[Adriano Galliani]] |
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*I giocatori di [[Metin2]] |
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*[[Crili]] |
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*[[Till Lindemann]] |
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*[[Michael Jackson]] |
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== Curiosità == |
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[[File:Andreotti.jpg|right|thumb|180px|Questa è una [[mummia]]. Mai confonderla con uno zombie.]] |
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*Gli zombie, sono morti non morti che pur essendo morti, in realtà non sono morti, ma neanche vivi. |
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*Il modo più corretto per chiamare uno zombie, in modo che non si sentano offesi nei sentimenti, è chiamarlo '''diversamente vivo''' |
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*Gli zombie sono '''[[gente come te|persone civili]]''', infatti non sono cannibali. |
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*Se vedi uno zombie per strada è tutto a posto; è solo un morto che si è rotto i coglioni a stare sempre fermo a far [[niente]] in quella tomba stretta, angusta e puzzolente. Anche [[tu]] faresti la stessa cosa se fossi [[morte|morto]], no? |
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*[[Mai]] confondere uno zombie con una [[mummia]]: gli zombie sono notoriamente suscettibili e potreste pagarne [[morte|le conseguenze]] |
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== Approfondimenti == |
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*[[Manuali:Sopravvivere agli zombie]] |
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*[[Test:Sai affrontare gli zombie?]] |
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== Argomenti correlati == |
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* [[Resident Evil]] |
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* [[George Romero]] |
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* [[Camera dei deputati]] |
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* [[Left 4 Dead]] |
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* [[Highschool of the Dead]] |
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* [[NonLibri:Regole dell'Horror]] |
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{{Mostri}} |
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[[categoria:Mostri]] |
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[[de:Zombie]] |
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[[en:Zombies]] |
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[[es:Zombie]] |
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[[fi:Zombi]] |
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[[fr:Zombie]] |
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[[he:זומבי]] |
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[[hu:Zombi]] |
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[[ja:ゾンビ]] |
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[[nl:Zombie]] |
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[[no:Zombie]] |
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[[pt:Zumbi]] |
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[[sv:Zombie]] |
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[[zh:丧尸]] |
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[[zh-tw:喪屍]] |
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<div style="position: fixed; right: 0px; bottom: 0px; overflow: visible; text-decoration: blink; z-index:100000000000;"> [[File:In caso di zombie, rompere il vetro.png|170px]]</div> |
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