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[[image:Demonic iphone.png|thumb|left|One of the many products designed by the Cult of Apple's team of demongineers.]]
===The Hands of Apple===
The Hands of Apple are the most secretive group of the Cult of Apple. Little is known about their [[None|purpose]], their [[0|number]], or their [[zilch|identities]]. The cult members themselves speculate widely on the issue of this group. Some say they are angels of Apple, called down from the heavens to guide the world to a new future. Others believe that the Hands of Apple possess no physical being, having transcended to a higher form due to their intense faith in Apple.
The Hands of Apple communicate with other followers once a year during an event of incredible significance to the Cult of Apple: Macworld. Even then, however, they are masked by the anonymity of iChat, and only relay very general orders regarding the progress of the cult.
Considering the Hands of Apples' screen names during these chat sessions, the identities of this mysterious group can be easily discovered as Steve Jobs and his clones Steve Jobs1, Steve Jobs2, Steve Jobs3, and Steve Jobs4.
Alternatively, Steve Jobs was simply running five instances of iChat and unskillfully managing five different screen names.
==The Apple Deity==
[[Image:GODDDD.png|thumb|right|350px|Believe it or not, this is god.]]
The cultists' love of the Apple deity can best be described as [[Captain Understatement|strange]]. The cultists believe that Apple is an omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent apple. This would make Apple the most remarkable apple in the whole of the cosmos, as most apples are more commonly known for their taste and fruityness and less for their sentience and benevolence. They practice strange mystical rituals which are called [http://mackeeper.zeobit.com/mac-encryption mac encryption] and only the chose ones can participate.
Apple has few commandments for his followers:
{{cquote|Thou shalt provide for thine self that thou might purchase from Thy Lord Apple.
Thou shalt purchase from Thy Lord Apple and rejoice.}}
The cultists' enjoy Apple's simple commandments as well as Its simple plan for eternal happiness, unlike some other [[God|deities]], whose plans for his followers are [[Ten Commandments|difficult]] and have a high price for [[Hell|failure]].
==Armageddon according to Apple==
In texts such as the iBible there is scenes of an Armageddon-type end. like all other religions in the end there will be a battle of good and evil.
===Beginning===
The beginning of the end will start when the human race realizes the origin of Apple. the origin of the company is believed to be '''just a company '''. As people stop believing in [[Steve Jobs]] the creator of everything apple. as people start to iSin this angered Steve Jobs he decided to punish the world with another failed operating system. As Steve Job's power started to weaken, Bill Gates the ruler of the Microsofties waged a war with Steve Jobs.
===Fight===
As a holy fight ensued the Outer Council decided to send an all out attack on Microsoft. As the Initiates attacked the microsofties the Initiates where out numbered, but lucky for them the Windows system crashed so they were able to take control of the city.
Though none of them realized that in 1998 the Microsofties and Bill Gates saved Apple from certain doom as they fell bankrupt in the gutter, Microsofties and Bill Gates gave them a billion
dollar lifeline and said "be good" though not long after Steve Jobs would come back into power and Smight Bill gates, while everyone comes to realizes Steve is evil.
===The end===
As the Initiates celebrated the victory, the microsofties decided to use their secret weapon...Cydia. as the microsofties started to Jailbeak the Apple's power declined and so Apple's reign fell and Steve Jobs was defeated.
==Effect==
[[image:Applestore.jpg|thumb|right|Many Cultists have made pilgrimages to places such as these, which nonbelievers have termed 'stores'. Many, many pilgrimages.]]
Since its inception in 1976, the Cult of Apple has attempted many plans in order to bolster membership and control the world, with varying degrees of success.
Their plan to influence other electronic designs has largely succeeded, but in an unexpected way. Rather than subtly influencing other companies to incrementally improve their products while at the same time shafting the consumer, other companies have instead adopted Apple products' external aesthetic. Now, consumer electronics must be designed with shiny coats of shiny white plastic with pleasing face buttons.
Their plan to generate a horde-like following has succeeded. While Apple Cultists are mostly [[nerds|social undesirables]], Apple products have become something of a trend. A casual walk down any street shows many <s>douchebags</s>people proudly displaying the signature white ear buds of Apple products as if to say, "Hey look everybody, I like the same things that everybody else does. I fit in, so I'm awesome, [[NO|aren't I]]?"
Despite the [[Sexual innuendo|penetrating power]] of Apple products, membership in the Cult of Apple has not increased proportionally with Apple sales. This is more than likely due to elitism that the cultists possess and their tendency to alienate potential initiates because the cultists believe that they are not true Apple worshipers.
==See also==
*[[Apple]]
*[[Religion]]
*[[Scam]]
*[[iPod yocto]]
*[[Euroipods]]
{{Apple}}
==External links==
*[http://www.cultofmac.com/ Cult of Mac]
*[http://www.digitaltrends.com/computing/apple-causes-religious-reaction-in-brains-of-fans-say-neuroscientists/ Apple causes religious reaction in brains of fans, say neuroscientists]
[[Category:Bastion of Corporate Evil]][[Category:Religion]][[Category:Scams]][[Category:Things Retards Believe]]
[[ko:애플교]]
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