Pesce d'aprile: differenze tra le versioni
Eeeeee (rosica | curriculum) m (Rollback - Annullate le modifiche di Andersfake (discussione), riportata alla versione precedente di GialIo Antracite) |
Nessun oggetto della modifica |
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Riga 1: | Riga 1: | ||
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{{Nota disambigua|il giorno in cui si attaccano pesci di carta agli amici e si fanno scherzi del cazzo|1 aprile}} |
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{{Dialogo|Voce|Pronto, Marco Rossi?|Rossi|Sì, chi parla?|Voce|Signore, chiamo dall'[[ospedale]]. Sua [[moglie]] è morta.|Rossi|Oddio, [[no]]!|Voce|C'è [[sangue]] dappertutto.|Rossi|Oh mio [[Dio]]! Ed io che l'ho appena tradita...!}} |
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{{Dialogo|Voce|Pesce d'aprile! Sua moglie è viva, ed è in ascolto!|Rossi|Cosa?? [[Fanculo|Occazzo]]...}}[[File:Assalto squalo.jpg|right|thumb|230px|Pesce d'aprile!]] |
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Il '''pesce d'aprile™''' è quella cosa in cui capisci di essere cascato quando a [[scuola]], dopo esserti seduti sulla sedia, avverti un forte dolore al [[culo]] e tutta la classe ride di [[te]], compreso il tipo/la tipa che ti piace. |
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== Le origini == |
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Il '''pesce d'aprile™''' nasce per la prima volta all'epoca dei vichinghi. |
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Poiché il [[re]] Olaf era sempre annoiato, un suo [[servo]] decise di rallegrarlo con uno scherzetto, così gli raccontò che il vicino [[regno]] aveva catturato sua [[figlia]]. Olaf, allora, fece attaccare il [[villaggio]] e decimare la popolazione, finché il servo annunciò che era tutto uno [[scherzo]] e che lui ci era cascato. Olaf non la prese bene e impiccò il servo. |
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Si hanno testimonianze di eventi del genere anche nella [[storia]] [[Roma|romana]]: [[Nerone]], dopo aver invitato i [[Cristianesimo|cristiani]] nel Colosseo per una [[festa]], disse loro che era tutto uno scherzo e liberò i [[Leone|leoni]]. |
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Anche nel [[medioevo]] si aveva questa usanza: per fare un pesce d'aprile alle [[moglie|mogli]], gli uomini del tempo le accusavano di essere streghe per poi dire che era tutto uno scherzo. Ma poiché poi non venivano ascoltati, le mogli finivano comunque bruciate. |
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Nei secoli successivi il pesce d'aprile™ venne migliorato e perfezionato, fino a raggiungere quello che è oggi: un pesce di [[carta]] da attaccare alla felpa firmata del tuo [[amico]] per farti prendere a botte. |
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== Origini del nome == |
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Il nome ''pesce d'aprile'' deriva semplicemente dal fatto che è aprile, e che chi casca negli scherzi ha il [[cervello]] di un pesce. Ogni riferimento a fatti realmente accaduti è puramente casuale. [[Oppure no]]? |
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== Come realizzare un pesce d'aprile == |
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È semplicissimo: basta avere un piano, l'occorrente per metterlo in pratica, e un [[pirla]] che ci caschi in pieno, facendo una figura di [[merda]]. Per l'ultimo potete scegliere il più [[secchione]]/[[sfigato]] della classe, un compagno particolarmente antipatico o in alternativa [[te|voi]] stesso (se scegli la terza opzione i casi sono due: o sei emo, o sei [[Scemo|SCemo]]). Per quanto riguarda l'occorrente, potete sempre rubarlo a vostro [[padre]], o corrompere un rigattiere. (Utilizzare il ''per favore'' solo in casi di estrema necessità). Il vero problema è ''pensare'' il piano, poiché sicuramente non siete campioni nelle capacità logiche e deduttive. |
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Per fortuna ci sono qua io per aiutarvi! |
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=== Scherzo del "pesce d'aprile" === |
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In pratica, consiste nel disegnare un pesce su un foglio di carta, ritagliarlo, applicargli sopra un pezzo di [[scotch]] e appiccicarlo alla schiena della vittima. Questo metodo è infallibile, a meno che non siate così [[Scemo|scemi]] da farvi scoprire. In quel caso, se avete scelto come vittima lo [[sfigato]] di turno, nessun problema. Se al contrario, avete optato per il [[bullo]] tutto muscoli, [[Pirla|congratulazioni per la scelta]]! |
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[[File:Puntina.jpg|right|140px|thumb|Il nostro migliore alleato.]] |
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=== Scherzo della "puntina" === |
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Altro scherzo molto semplice, la difficoltà consiste nel mimetizzare la puntina da disegno sulla [[sedia]] della vittima. Fatto questo è sufficiente aspettare e godersi l'urlo del malcapitato (consigliabile, ma solo per veri perfidi, di scegliere come obiettivo un malato di [[Emorroide|emorroidi]]). |
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=== Scherzo della "sedia rotta" === |
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[[File:Sedia.jpg|thumb|left|130px|Coraggio, fai il tuo lavoro!]] |
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Le cose si fanno più complicate. Uno dei problemucci è che se non siete [[Leatherface]], sarà difficile reperire una [[motosega]] per realizzare lo scopo. |
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Comunque, una volta procurata, si devono segare le quattro [[gambe]] della [[sedia]] della vittima e rimetterle poi in posizione "apparentemente" stabile. |
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(P.S.controllare eventuali fiumi di segatura lasciati in giro e/o non dimenticarsi la motosega sotto la sedia). Appena il prescelto si siederà, la sedia si spezzerà e potrete godervi la sua mirabolante caduta e se tutto va per il meglio, la sua sacrosanta [[bestemmia]]. |
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=== Scherzo doppio della "puntina pesante" === |
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Questo è per veri [[stronzi]]. Consiste, in pratica, nell'eseguire le azioni dello scherzo precedente (per chi non lo sapesse, dello scherzo ''che viene prima''), e per concludere posizionare sopra la puntina, meglio se [[veleno|avvelenata]]. Risultato? Urlo più caduta, e se avete seguito tutti i consigli, anche probabile [[morte]] del soggetto. |
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=== Scherzo del "secchio sulla porta" === |
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[[File:Gattino neonato.jpg|left|thumb|150px|Ci sei cascato? Bravo, [[pirla]]!]] |
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Nel caso non ci siate ancora arrivati, è sufficiente riempire d'[[acqua]] un secchio e piazzarlo in bilico sopra una [[porta]] socchiusa. Il primo a entrare riceverà una deliziosa e rinfrescante cascata d'[[acqua]] sulla [[testa]] (o in alternativa [[urina]], [[colla vinilica]], [[coca cola]] o [[Merda|qualsiasi altra sostanza densa e maleodorante]]). Si raccomanda particolare attenzione al non uscire dalla stanza a lavoro compiuto, per evitare spiacevoli [[Morte|inconvenienti]]. |
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=== Scherzo del "pesce in faccia" === |
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Pesce d'aprile particolarmente [[bastardo]], ma semplice da realizzare. Bisogna trovare un [[Pesci|pesce]] particolarmente maleodorante e imputridito, e tirarlo in [[faccia]] alla vittima al grido "''pesce d'aprile!''" |
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Per evitare ritorsioni dal malcapitato, è consigliabile scegliere un individuo di bassa risma sociale e/o disprezzato dalla comunità, e un pesce abbastanza grosso da stordirlo. Evitare un [[pesce palla]] gonfiato o un [[pesce spada]]. |
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== Come sopravvivere a un pesce d'aprile == |
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Probabilmente leggendo le righe precedenti non hai nemmeno pensato che [[qualcuno]] potrebbe tramare un simile tiro mancino contro te, e tantomeno ti sarai preoccupato di premunirti per una simile occasione. |
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'''EBBENE SIGNORINA: CHE ASPETTI? IL NATALE??''' |
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Se vuoi sopravvivere al [[1 aprile|fatidico giorno]], non è sufficiente prepararsi all'attacco, bisogna preparare le difese. O vuoi finire con un pesce attaccato alla schiena? |
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Io so che non lo vuoi. |
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[[File:McJoker.jpg|thumb|200px|right|Non fidarti di nessuno. Nemmeno dei più insospettabili.]] |
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=== Fase 1: identificare il potenziale aggressore === |
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Ebbene, per evitare il rischio di venire bersagliati da un pesce d'aprile, bisogna premunirsi. Per prima cosa bisogna studiare mentalmente i torti resi ai potenziali aggressori e i danni arrecati negli ultimi tempi, compreso quando avete ficcato il [[gatto]] nella [[lavatrice]] o quando avete gettato il [[portafoglio]] di papà nel [[cesso]]. Fatto? Bene. |
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Una volta identificato un potenziale aggressore, DON'T PANIC! Il fatto che ''potrebbe'' essere un aggressore non lo identifica come tale. Per accertarsene, bisogna compiere una ricerca approfondita (''ATTENZIONE'': chiedergli ''"Vuoi uccidermi?"'' non è una buona idea). Quando sarete '''completamente''' sicuri che il soggetto voglia attaccarvi con un pesce d'aprile, allora sì: potrete farvi prendere dal panico. Poi potrete passare alla fase 2: '''sventare il piano''' |
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=== Fase 2: sventare il piano === |
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<small><small><small>E io che ho detto?</small></small></small> |
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Siete a conoscenza del nome del futuro aggressore/aggressitrice che vuole colpirvi? Non avete più dubbi sulla sua identità? bene, <strike>scappate!</strike> allora è il momento di sventare i suoi piani. |
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Per scoprire il piano malefico dell'aggressore, la cosa migliore da fare è iniziare a frequentare le sue stesse compagnie, conoscere i suoi [[amici]]/le sue amiche, estorcere informazioni ai conoscenti, e se poi c'è tempo fare la [[cacca]]. Sedurre un amica sarebbe una buona idea per carpire i più profondi segreti del soggetto, anche se richiede molto spirito di sacrificio quando la [[ragazza]] in questione [[Cesso|non è quel che si dice uno ''schianto di donna'']]. Un buon richiamo per i segreti è il [[Tangente|signor quattrini]], sempre pronto a venirvi in soccorso. |
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[[File:Violenza.gif|thumb|left|È ora di prepararsi per passare all'azione!]] |
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Una volta estorto il piano segreto, sarà tempo di '''passare all'azione'''. |
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Sventare un piano malefico e diabolico non è impresa da tutti i giorni, ovviamente; per questo è consigliabile reclutare altri [[uomini]] pronti a [[Suicidio|morire]] per la buona riuscita della missione. |
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Ha!Ha!Ha! Ovviamente scherzavo.. il massimo che riuscirete a trovare saranno quattro [[polli]] che vi seguiranno dietro compenso. Comunque, polli o no, verrà il momento in cui dovrete eliminare la minaccia nemica. Il come, il dove e il quando vi saranno più chiari guardando [[Matrix]]. |
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== Come reagire a un pesce d'aprile subito == |
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[[File:Dawson.gif|thumb|200px|Se subisci uno scherzo non ti disperare! Sorridi!]] |
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Purtoppo anche i migliori sbagliano. Ma non è il vostro caso, poiché sicuramente [[Tu|voi]] non siete i migliori. |
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Un pesce d'aprile realizzato bene è sempre un bello spettacolo da vedere. Ovviamente non quando ad avere le [[Emorroide|emorroidi]] e una [[puntina]] avvelenata tra le chiappe siete voi. In questi casi c'è poco da dire, a parte che il subire gli scherzi altrui spesso fa bene, perché ci insegna a non esigere troppo da noi stessi e... '''Ahahah! Ci sei cascato come un [[coglione]]! Ahahah!! Avete visto che deficiente?! AH! AH! AH!''' |
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== Voci correlate == |
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*[[1 aprile]] |
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*[[Cazzimma]] |
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*[[Sedia]] |
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*[[Secchione]] |
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*[[Sfigato]] |
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*[[Nonciclopedia:Storia/Pesci d'aprile|I pesci d'aprile di Nonciclopedia]] |
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[[Categoria:Cattive abitudini]] |
Versione delle 17:07, 5 mar 2011
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