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Riga 61:
*È noto che il capitano giallozozzo, al momento della premiazione per la scarpa d'oro, sia rimasto li per 2 ore continuando a chiedere: "Ao..e l'altra quanno me la date?"
*È autore di numerosi libri satirici, la cui sottile ironia verso la politica, gli [[emo]] e gli [[ebreo|ebrei]], gli ha permesso di conquistare valanghe di lettori (decerebrati) del ceto medio.
{{Q|I gave them water, but they didn't like it. I gave them oil, but they laughed at me. I gave them beaches, mountains and lakes, but they looked down on me. Then I sent George W. Bush, and they're all happy now.|God|Albanians}}
{{Q|I've never felt this way before.|George W. Bush|being loved.}}
{{Message_box|
image=Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg|
heading=Attempt to explain joke|
message=This article pokes fun at Albanians and Albania. Being the Balkan hotheads that they are, they might want to crush <b>Uncyclopedia</b>. The EU doesn't like that. Neither does George W. Bush. If you are an Albanian hothead, please be an Albanian coolhead and take this article with a <b>grain of salt</b>, or a slice of pizza. The main contributor to this article is an Albanian. Please don't kill him.}}
{{Infobox Country|
|native_name = Tribes of the Double-Headed Eagles <s>and People</s>
|conventional_long_name = Osmanlı İmparatorluğu Arnavutluğu
|common_name = The Glorious Nation of Albanistan
|national_motto = "In EU we trust." |
|national_anthem = ''NATO! Fuck yeah!'' |
|image_flag = [[Image:Albflag_final.jpg|300px]]
|image_coat = [[Image:Coat_albania.jpg|125px]]
|image_map = [[Image:Albloc.png|250px]]|
|capital = Tea'-rana (de jure), Washington, DC (de facto) |
|largest_city = [[Italy|Milano]] |
|official_languages = Albanian, 117 different Albanian dialects |
|government_type = <s>pseudo</s> Democratic Parliamentary Kingdom |
|leader_title2 = <b>King</b>|
|leader_name2 = Berisha |
|leader_title1 = [[President]]|
|leader_name1 = Bamir Topi (Albanian for "Do-Good Ball")|
|national_heros = Skanderbeg, [[Mother Teresa]], [[Barack Obama|Barack H. Obama]], Nicole Scherzinger, Warren Buffet, [[Rihanna]] (?) |
|Independence = Arguably 1912 |
|currency = Prostitutes, crack, BMW X5s |
|religion = 73% Muslim, 50% Christian, <1% Jew, 100% Atheist |
|favourite_pastime = Gossiping, tour de raki |
|major_exports = Kidneys, drugs, prostitutes, raki, stolen cars |
|major_imports = Everything but water and air ||
}}
The <b>Republic of Albania</b> (IPA: al-ba-knee-ahh) (not to be confused with <b>Albany, NY</b> or <b>[[civilization]]</b>), also known as <b>Albanistan</b>, but most commonly referred to as the <b>Glorious United State of Albania</b>, is an <s>unincorporated</s> unwanted territory of the [[United States of America]] located in South-Eastern [[Europe]], in the western region of the Balkans. It is inhabited by Albanians, [[Serbia|Serbs]], [[Greece|Greeks]], and Macedonians, but since Albanians claim to be the oldest around the peninsula, everyone is believed to be Albanian. Word has it that they descended from the [[old|Illyrian tribes]], but few people know the truth, and [[nobody cares]]. Albanians are renowned emigrants, and (anecdotally) fierce [[patriotism|nationalists]]. Apparently, there are about 4 million of them living abroad, with some [[stoner|highly reliable sources]] saying as many as 20 million.
Albanians think about half of the most prominent figures in history or the media are Albanian. Thus, [[Alexander the Great]], [[Mother Teresa]], [[Arnold Schwarzenegger]], [[Lewis Hamilton]], [[Paris Hilton (Person)]], [[Steve Jobs]] and - most recently - [[Barack Obama]] are all rumored to be of Albanian descent. Some Albanians think [[Rihanna]] is from Southern Albania too, but she has publically denied this on several occasions and has been quoted on record as saying they are certainly not welcome under her [[umbrella]].
Albanians are kind, hospitable people who are very understanding towards people of other religions, mainly because they, Albanians, have [[Atheism (religion)|no religion]]. A typical Albanian [[muslim]] is tipsy in the morning, just before he goes to the mosque, and completely shitfaced by the time he takes his family to the church later that day.
In April 2009, the country wholeheartedly accepted an invitation to join [[NATO]]. The prime minister called it 'a miracle of freedom'. What he meant (if he meant anything) was not exactly understood but greatly appreciated. Later that year Albania confirmed its interest in joining the [[EU]] by officially <s>begging</s> applying for membership.
Present day Albania boasts very lively [[Clubbing|nightclubs]], flashy [[car|cars]] and pricey [[prostitution|hookers]] who probably don't care much about NATO. The unemployment rate is close to 70%, and of those unemployed, nobody would take a job unless it requires no effort and pays well. Despite this, the economy seems to be doing fine and - according to the PM - the country is and will not be affected by the [[Recession|2008 Global Financial Crisis]]. If that were true, Albania would join [[Vatican|the Vatican]], the tribes of the Amazon, and the [[Moon]] in being recession-proof no matter what.
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= History =
Albania has been invaded more than 93 times by some 27 different invaders from all 7 continents. Most prominently, the [[Ottoman Empire]], [[Italy]], [[Germany]], the Ottoman Empire, the [[Eskimos]], the [[Zimbabwe|Zimbabweans]], and the Ottoman Empire. Nevertheless, Albanian history is pretty simple and consists of a mere 5 protagonists - King Bardyl, Skaderbeg, King Zog, Enver Hoxha and the [[Mafia]].
==King Bardyl==
Lore has it that Bardyl (Albanian for [[cannabutter|grass-wax]]) had the balls to annex some Macedonian land, kill some random dudes, and form a dynasty. In what appears to be plain [[vanity]], he named the dynasty after himself. For about three months he was the most powerful Illyrian king. Then he died. Some [[incest|close relatives of his]] took it upon themselves to follow Bardyl's legacy as the [[50 cent|realest]] '[[Ali G|gangsta]] of Illyria. Therefore, years later Agron united some Illyrian tribes and formed a kingdom. What happened next is excessively speculative, but thus did the history of Albania begin.
==Skanderbeg==
And then there was Gjergj 'George' Skanderbeg. George was reputedly abducted by the Ottoman invaders at an early age while playing [[soccer]]. Anyhow, he went on to become a very able and strong leader, spearheading Ottoman incursions all around Europe. One day after workout he decided to go back to Albania. Many [[history buff|historians]] believe that he was sent on a geostrategic mission by the Sultan. Others think that the Sultan wanted to make things exciting, since Albania [[French Army|wasn't showing much resistance]].
When George first arrived to Albania he was impassive and serious. No one really knew why. He later fell in love with a hot [[Belly dancing|belly-dancer]] named Donika and things changed. [[History]] has it that he led some of the mightiest battles against the Ottomans. Then again, it's just history.
[[Image:Skenderbeg.jpg|thumb|350px|right|Skanderbeg when he first arrived to Albania. Notice the pout.]]
==King Zog==
King Zog (Albanian for [[bird]]) is well known as one of the bravest leaders in Albanian history. He thought he was a descendant of Skanderbeg. [[Lies|Whatever]].
Helped by the fascist Italy, he became [[President]] of Albania. He later opted for something cooler and declared himself [[King]] of Albania. Nevertheless, he was not so popular around and people kept trying to kill him<ref>[[Bird Hunting in Albania]])</ref>.
When [[Benito Mussolini|Mouse-olini]] of Italy decided it was trendy to invade Albania, King Zog flew away, hence his name. He never came back, though he tried to. Some Albanian taxonomists think that he was a chick, while others know of his feathery origin but refuse to comment on the species.
==Enver Hoxha==
[[Enver Hoxha]] was a key figure in Albania for more than 140 years, or something like that. He was a respected [[bat fuck insane|lunatic]] and [[Bono|megalomaniac]]. His childhood hero is believed to have been Don Quixote of La Mancha. Just like Don Quixote, Don Quihoxha thought he could bring down the mighty evil that loomed over the Albanian people and Albania's territorial integrity<ref>For other similar characters see [[Stalin]], [[Lenin]], [[Hitler]], or any American president</ref>.
During his <s>reign</s> presidency, half of the population worked for the [[military]] and the other half for military-related services. Quihoxha thought he could build the infrastructure and the military power so that no foreign invader would be able to invade Albania. Not that anyone wanted to, but just in case. Tens of thousands of bunkers were built. They were the hottest commodities in Albanian real estate because they were sturdy, and had that mushroom-y sexy-grey futuristic look. People were encouraged to [[life|live]], [[school|study]], [[teacher|teach]], [[priest|preach]], and [[sex|inseminate]] in these bunkers so that they would be safe from foreign aggression.
Hoxha was very emotional too. Rumor has it that he would hang any [[stupid|brave]] person that would go openly against his views. Awww. In any case, [[you are dead|he's dead now]].
==The Mafia==
After Hoxha's death, along came some youngsters with affectedly western vistas. They and some of their friends govern Albania to this day. It is believed that they have close ties to organized crime, organized governance, organized orgi...err everything that can be organized. They're rich and powerful. No one can write or talk about them without being hunted down. Oh wait.. they might be reading this.
*Ogni volta che riesce a concludere una frase di senso compiuto festeggia mettendosi il pollice in bocca.
*È stato il primo e indimenticabile interprete del tormentone: ''[[Làif is nàu]]'' di una [[vodafone|nota compagnia di telefonia mobile]].
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